Anti Speed Violation
by big red balloon
Summary: Sasuke was smart; he knew a good opportunity when he saw one. So when the perfect blackmail material came along to one-up his rival, he grabbed it by the balls... and then screwed himself over? Uh. Oops?
1. One!

Hello, hello, dear friends. I know you're probably thinking, "Noooo, not another one of those clichéd AU HS fics! _When_ will they _stop_?!" I don't blame you. But give me a chance. I promise you won't be disappointed. (crosses fingers behind back)

**Anti-Speed Violation  
**Oh, I Used to Rule the World

...

Every school had one, a student capable of slowing time as they walked down a crowded hallway, someone constantly illuminated by a mysterious halo of light wherever they went, someone for whom crowds of adoring fans and jealous haters parted with absurd synchronization just to make the journey to the classroom seem all the more ridiculously scripted.

Of course, none of it was ever scripted, because this student was only the most impossibly perfect being that just _naturally _commanded – and received – such unabashed adulation through sheer good looks, possibly perfect grades, but rarely a glowing personality.

Konoha Catholic High was no different than any other school. And in Konoha, said perfect being was none other than Sasuke Uchiha. The student body could not have asked for a better model for their pedestal of shallow worship; Sasuke fit the bill like a square peg into the square hole from which it came.

With looks that made boys question their sexuality, smarts that made nerds cry in their sleep, and a personality that made everyone else put knives to their wrists (He was a jewel, really. A very sharp jewel), who could possibly fail to fall in love with him?

"Can you stop fucking slowing down time, bastard? Some of us have classes to get to."

Only one person, of course.

Because every school had one of those too, a student who miraculously withstood all forms of peer pressure and common sense, and refused to kiss the ground on which the perfect student walked. Naturally, those two hated each other.

And, in Konoha, that student was none other than Naruto Uzumaki, only the school's greatest source of embarrassment. The girl had not a feminine bone in her body and broke every mold of the perfect catholic schoolgirl label. Neither prim nor proper, many wondered how the girl had managed to get in among Konoha's finest, most elite students.

Rumors ran rampant.

"Naruto! Stop making a scene! _You're_ the one getting us late now!"

"Okay!"

With the few, simple words from her friend, Naruto dotingly followed the pink-haired girl like a groupie, Sasuke forgotten in the sea of sparkles that filled her gaze. Sakura, however, threw Sasuke an apologetic look, blushing shyly as she led her friend away.

Theirs was a friendship that confounded many. Sakura Haruno: picture perfect Catholic schoolgirl and female compliment to Sasuke's perfection.

Where Sakura was pretty, Naruto was, to put it politely, not at all. Where Sakura was smart, on par with Sasuke even, Naruto embarrassed even the most mentally challenged. Where Sakura understood the delicate workings of the social ladder, Naruto blatantly disregarded it and then shit on it.

Truthfully, though the exact means by which Sakura and Naruto's friendship came about was shrouded in mystery, after Naruto's transfer earlier that year, it became common knowledge that where there was Sakura, Naruto could be found not far behind.

It was Sakura's acceptance alone, as the female head of the student body, that kept Naruto from being fully ostracized. Best friends for life, through thick and thin, as the saying went.

While Sasuke could care less for the gossip surrounding the two, he would, incidentally, discover precisely the reason that lay behind Sakura's loyalty.

...

"Thank you for your tremendous help, Sasuke! It is such a divine pleasure to have someone like you in my class. It truly makes me believe in the beauty of youth once again!"

Sasuke bowed in goodbye and, when the professor turned around, discreetly began making his getaway lest the disturbing man act out on his sudden appreciation for the beauty of his youth.

It was one downfall to his current status as the school's glowing icon, having to assist his teachers with whatever task they needed help with. Today, it had been dumbing down a lesson plan so that not only geniuses like himself could understand it. Honestly, Sasuke didn't see the point. People like Naruto were a lost cause and should be weeded out whenever possible.

Keeping up his image had cost him an extra half-hour after school and made him late to the student council meeting, of which he was, unsurprisingly, the president. Sighing at his watch, Sasuke walked down the empty corridor.

No student was stupid enough to stay even a second longer after the last class was over. Once class duties had been completed the school became a ghost town. Thinking he was alone, it was understandable that Sasuke was startled to hear muffled voices coming from one of the classrooms down the hall.

The voices got louder as he got closer. Although they were hushed and secretive, Sasuke wasn't about to make the extra effort to avoid the slightly open door just to give them privacy. He wasn't a snoop, neither did he want to eavesdrop, it was just that this was the way to the council meeting.

When he was a few feet away, he realized he recognized one of the voices as Sakura. He was surprised, she was supposed to be at the meeting too. Maybe he should stop and they could walk together.

The idea was blown out of the pool when he heard the other voice clearly, recognizing it easily as the irritating blonde friend attached to the girl's hip.

"Sakura-chaaan!" Her voice had deepened into a husky growl. Keeping quiet was probably too hard for her.

"No! I said no, Naruto! We're not doing this here!"

"Come onnn! I know you've thought about it!"

Sasuke could hear the pink haired girl splutter at her friend's words.

"N-no, I have _not_!"

Naruto laughed. Even Sasuke wasn't convinced.

"Uh-huh. Riiiight. You know the sight of me in this little skirt turns you on."

Wait. What? Sasuke was suddenly apprehensive of what exactly he was overhearing but he couldn't very well walk in like he'd previously meant to. How awkward would that have been?

Sakura scoffed. "Oh please, Naruto. You look like – what are you! No! Stop! Close your legs, that's gross!"

To his horror, Sasuke blushed in mortification. He was not hearing this, he absolutely was not. He fought the urge to childishly hold his fingers in his ears and hum songs to himself.

The sound of Sakura's laughter made him freeze and he pulled his hands down from where they'd been journeying up to his ears.

"Haha, N-Naru… hahha, that's, haha, that's enough!"

Sasuke did not want to know what exactly was going on in there. Okay, maybe a little, but he didn't have to admit it.

"Seriously, Sakura," Naruto's voice came again, this time more serious and less whiny than before. "You've denied me for three months now! I think it's time to pay up!"

"Oh, shut up. I don't have to 'pay up' anything."

"Yes, you do!" Naruto was no longer bothering to keep her voice low despite Sakura's shushing.

"You have no idea what I had to go through to get transferred here! That stupid hag wouldn't let it go! And my armpits are burning because of that fucking razor and – that's _not_ funny – and I'm wearing this fucking skirt, and god damnit, I'm horny!"

"This hasn't exactly been easy for me either!"

Sakura tried to cut in, but Naruto was apparently on a roll.

"And then I get here and have to see you make googly eyes at that bastard, Sasuke, every fucking day – "

"I do _not_ make 'googly eyes' at Sasuke!"

" – and it just pisses me off because I'm right here and can't even do anything about it! I transferred here just to be with you and you don't even pay any attention to me!"

Oh, fucking God, Sasuke thought. Not only had he stumbled upon a lover's spat, he'd walked in on a fucking lesbian lover's spat. That meant twice the irritating girl and twice the irritating drama and twice the hurt feelings and crying and all-around over-exaggerated female tragedy.

And did Naruto really hate him just because of a little jealousy? Great, things had gone from fucking awkward to so fucking awkward he was about to take a gun to his head. He did not want to be a part of this, even indirectly.

Sakura sighed at Naruto's rant.

"Listen. No, just listen to me. You know we can't act like we did before. You know how my parents feel about us. They're already suspicious as it is."

That was probably the understatement of the year seeing as how they were both girls in a religious school where such relationships were described as one-way tickets to hell.

The blonde girl simply scoffed. "I don't care about how your parents feel, I care about how _you_ feel."

"Well I do! I can't keep lying to them about why I haven't gotten a boyfriend yet!"

There was a moment of tense silence before Naruto broke it again.

"I know. Okay, damnit, I know. But I'm willing to work through this. I really like you, Sakura, you know that. And I'll do whatever it takes to be with you. Burning armpits and all."

Another moment of silence as her friend contemplated the declaration.

"That's… actually kind of, sweet, Naruto."

Oh, please. Sasuke almost rolled his eyes. Such a typical girl, swayed by even the slightest hint of romance.

"Well, you know me. Just the sweetest thing around! Now don't you want a piece of me?"

"Argh! Why are you so – NO! N-Naruto! Stop!"

At the sound of a body colliding with the wall and the following moan, Sasuke took it as his cue to finally get the hell away from there. He rushed passed the open doorway as quietly as he could, taking great care to _not_ _take a peek_ at what was probably, okay, definitely, going on in there.

Twenty minutes after he walked into the meeting, Sakura rushed into the room, flushed, panting, and apologizing profusely for her tardiness. Sasuke didn't even spare her a glance. Unlike his fellow students who told her not to worry, everything was going just fine, he knew that the pink on her cheeks that so perfectly matched the pink of her hair was not because of her rush to make it to the meeting. But he wasn't about to call her on it.

See, he could be a nice guy. Why did everyone keep saying he wasn't? Besides, it wouldn't do any good for his image to be labeled a pervert.

...

By all means, Sasuke had meant to forget the incident – as much as one could forget such a memorable incident – and simply move on. Of course, Naruto would not make this an easy task. He should've known nothing involving Naruto would go as expected.

So when he bumped into the uncouth girl as she emerged from the restroom, things naturally progressed the way all their meetings did.

"Hey, asshole, what are you, a pervert? Trying to peep on the girl's in the restroom? Doesn't get any more loserish than that."

Sasuke's eye twitched, gaze flicking up to the male sign above her head and then back down to the girl standing defiantly before him.

"Are you mentally disabled?"

"Excuse me?!"

"I asked," Sasuke repeated, slowing his words down for the idiot girl, "Are you mentally disabled?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It's a question. It's not supposed to mean anything."

"Well, _you're_ mentally disabled! Retard!"

"They're the same thing."

"What?"

"'Mentally disabled' and 'retard'."

"Huh? Who the fuck cares?"

A few of Sasuke's brain cells jumped ship. He had no other explanation for what he said next and he would regret the consequences that came later, but not then, not yet. In his defense, associating with Naruto for too long tended to have that effect on people. He was surprised Sakura had survived as long as she did. She really must be as smartas her grades said she was.

"If anyone's the pervert, it's you."

"And what the hell does _that _mean?"

Why? God, why? Why was this girl alive?

"Exactly what it does. There's no hidden meaning."

"How am I a pervert? You're the one trying to sneak into the girl's bathroom."

Sasuke's eye was going to explode, he just knew it. The ticking had to be some sort of a countdown. To doomsday. Or his loss of sanity.

"First, moron," he started, taking delight in the way she scowled, "_You_ just came out of the _guy's_ bathroom. The same bathroom that _I_ am trying to get into. That doesn't make me a pervert, that makes me a human being with natural needs."

At the blank look on the girls face, he continued.

"Second, _pervert_, I'm not the one doing illicit things in empty classrooms after school."

He knew it would take a moment for that to settle in, churn around in the blonde's brain before becoming fully processed, so he waited patiently as he watched her face go from blank, to indignant, to angry, to horrified, back to angry, and then finally to full understanding.

"You watched?! You – You _are_ a pervert!"

Okay. That was not how this was supposed to go. Although, he was impressed she even knew what illicit meant.

"I am _not_ a pervert! You were so fucking loud anybody with ears could have heard you!"

"Oh my god! You _listened_?!"

"How could I not? I was right there!" That was mistake number one.

"You're sick!" Naruto crossed her arms across her chest in defensive horror, as if she thought Sasuke was about to rip the shirt off right then and there and rape her. The black haired boy almost smacked himself in the head. He did not need Naruto spreading rumors around about how he got off on being a peeping tom. And he just knew she would, unless he did something to stop her.

Before Naruto could attract even more attention to them, Sasuke slapped a hand to her mouth and despite her fidgeting, she was pretty strong for a girl, dragged her to an empty classroom and away from the prying eyes of his fellow students. Those people needed to get lives and stop focusing so much on someone else's.

"Shut up!" He screamed at her when he let go of her.

Naruto immediately backed away from him, hands up in a placating manner that didn't placate him at all. "Woah, woah, calm down there, buddy. I'm really not into this sort of thing."

"And _what_ sort of thing _is _this?"

Naruto gestured between them, arms waving around. "This. Uh, yeah, totally not into guys."

Sasuke took in a deep breath to calm himself down. It really wouldn't do to blow up there. Instead he just closed his eyes for a split second, "I noticed."

The blond had the decency to blush before she started to make her way to the door Sasuke was guarding so fiercely. "Look, I'm just going to leave. You can, I dunno, throw chairs around and stuff. To get over your sexual frustration. Get it out. You know. Stuff like that."

Sasuke just stared at her. He could feel himself get dumber just by looking at her.

"Oh my god."

Naruto just inched away from him like he was a rabid dog. Honestly, it should've been Sasuke who backed away from _her_. Instead, he held his ground, crossed his arms to appear more threatening than he truly felt.

He took another breath and let it out slowly. Then he looked Naruto square in the eye and announced the decision he had just come to, the one that would preserve his dignity and reputation.

"No. You are not leaving. Not until we make a few things clear."

He was going to take what he saw, no, heard, and turn it into exactly what it was: blackmail material. Any intelligent man in a situation would do so.

"Not unless you want the truth about you and Sakura going around the school."

The girk's eyes widened, "You wouldn't!"

"I would."

"You bastard!!"

That was more like it. They were back on more familiar turf, where he was just a bastard or an asshole, and not a sexually frustrated pervert.

Naruto dove for him, fisted her hands in his shirt near his collar and pulling him to her eye level. "You leave Sakura out of this!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. He had nothing against Sakura, but it was impossible to leave her out when his blackmail material involved her as well.

"I don't care what happens to Sakura, but if you do, you're going to listen to what I tell you and you're going to listen carefully."

He was released with a rough shove and the girl backed off only slightly, crossing her arms over her chest as she glared with contempt at him.

"What do you want, pervert? You want me to bend over this table over here? Strip down and let you have your way with me?"

"Don't flatter yourself." He almost gagged at the thought; he did not find her attractive at all. Plus, he was a gentlemen, even if Naruto didn't deserve his gentlemanly behavior.

"All you have to do are a few chores for me for the rest of the year, and I'll keep your secret."

"What kind of chores?"

From the second he'd decided he'd blackmail her, he knew exactly what he would have her do. Homework was out of the question, unless he wanted failing grades. Neither was he interested in sexual favors, despite what her perverted mind thought of him.

He could, however, probably use her to get his parents off his back about girlfriends and marriage. He was sixteen, not sixty. He didn't need to be in a hurry to find a significant other.

"Physical labor. I have no interest in you otherwise. And you can't hand anything intellectual." He wasn't about to explain he was considering using her as a pretend girlfriend.

As expected, Naruto bristled at his words. "I can too!"

Sasuke just quirked a brow at her, "What? So you want to do my homework too?"

She deflated instantly. "No!"

"Then don't complain. I'm doing you a favor here. You could both be kicked out if any of the teachers found out."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Fine. But don't think you've won just yet, bastard. Just you wait and see."

"Just as long as you understand your place. And to begin with your duties, I want you at my place on Saturday, 9 am sharp."

"What? In the morning?! I can't – " she stopped abruptly at his look. "Fine," she said through clenched teeth.

Sasuke almost smiled. Finally. Finally the thorn in his side was in the palm his hand. He almost cackled evilly. But no, he wasn't evil. Just smart. And that was mistake number two.

...

Saturday came quickly. The week had gone by so well. Naruto had stayed out of Sasuke's way, much to the confusion of the students around him. It was clear from the confusion in Sakura's eyes as well that the girl hadn't told her about Sasuke's blackmail. Well, that was her own stupidity at work. She could probably have used Sakura's brain for some help.

The doorbell rang at nine in the morning. Sharp. And Sasuke walked with the slightest bounce in his step as he went to answer it.

He let a smirk slide onto his face when he opened the door, a smirk that slid off his face the instant he took in the blond standing in his doorway.

"What? You thought I was going to wear a fucking skirt, you pervert?"

Actually, he had. Sasuke's eyes moved down the simple T-shirt, disgustingly orange, taking in the completely flat chest, and down to the loose-cut jeans, torn at the knees, and the scuffed sneakers on feet that were not dainty in the least.

This was not the girl that terrorized Konoha Catholic High, engaged in a secret gay romance with her perfect girlfriend. But this was clearly Naruto, new transfer student and the bane of Sasuke's existence.

And suddenly everything clicked.

Naruto Uzumaki was a boy.


	2. Wait, Interlude!

(Looks at publish date.) Six months later? Yep, this fic is certainly right on schedule. Well, seeing as how no story would ever be complete without a very short, unsatisfying interlude from Naruto's perspective, I present to you this very short, unsatisfying interlude on exactly that. Enjoy!

**Anti-Speed Violation  
**Saint Peter, Won't You Call My Name?

...

At sixteen years of age, Naruto could honestly say he had lived a good life.

Sure, he had yet to check off some of his greatest ambitions from his Bucket List –things like having a threesome with really hot twins (without Sakura knowing of course), beating Sasuke in a game of chess (when he didn't even know how to play), and taking over the world were just a few of these so-called "great ambitions" that graced such a divine list – but if he died then, he couldn't say he would complain. Much.

He just wouldn't call his life fulfilled. But presently, he would have to take what he could get. And what he got was a swift kick to his lace-clad balls.

Not even "social suicide" could adequately describe his current predicament. He had been so sure he knew what he was getting himself into. After all, what was a little (and he did mean _little_ – those Catholic schoolgirls knew where to push the boundaries) skirt, some shaving cream, and the distinct feeling of his manhood shrinking into nonexistence in the name of love?

Nothing, right?

Wrong. That had been before he knew someone by the name of Sasuke Uchiha existed. What it was, in fact, was sheer stupidity of epic proportions on his part. Even he realized that now.

He should have listened to Sakura when he had the chance. Logical, rule-abiding Sakura, who was the cause of this whole mess to begin with (although he would never admit it, by forced coercion or otherwise). But it was entirely possible nothing above his waist had been listening at the time.

Oh, the things he would do for love… And other things. Things that made one feel really, really good.

He was a boy, after all, blessed with a healthy body, a working libido, and a beautiful girlfriend. Was it so unexpected that all three would equally factor into his decision-making processes? Not to Naruto, it wasn't. And neither, apparently, was it for Sakura either – after some "subtle" seduction, that is.

And therein lay the problem. Here he was, at eight forty five in the _morning_, walking to the house of the one guy he hated with every last gut within him (because Naruto honestly believed he had more than one). Of all the people to discover his secret, it had to be the one that would actually want to use it against him.

Sakura should feel eternally grateful for having such a wonderful boyfriend, who would go so far to protect her reputation. Nevermind the fact she wasn't even aware of being blackmailed in the first place. And there was no way in hell he was going to tell her either. He may not share in her genius intuition, but he knew when not to cross the line from slightly stupid but forgivable to completely moronic and suicidal.

Nor would he be able to convince her that sex in public places was a _good_ thing. (Recall: nothing above the waist. Nothing.) Who knew what sort of restrictions she'd place on him if she found out it had led to this?

Even if it was all Sakura's fault to begin with. Come over, she had said. My parents are out, she had explained. And it was all he really needed to have her say. So over he went, just to show her exactly what normal teenagers their age did when their significant other's parents were out. Sakura sure hadn't cared much about her moral obligations _then_.

It was so very unfortunate that the reason, or two reasons, she had developed such outstanding Moral Christian Values that Naruto lacked were also the same two very big reasons that they found themselves caught mid-lust. No, mid-_love_!

Something akin to World War III had broken out then, leaving no one unscathed. And like the storybook villain, Naruto was banished from ever coming within the (no longer) pure princess' vicinity.

But if there was one thing in which Naruto succeeded far beyond anyone else, it was in the ability to never give up, even when he damn well should.

After being denied something he'd finally gotten after four, straight, miserable years of pining, there was nothing else he could do but what any other male in his situation would do: He begged his Aunt to enroll him in Sakura's private school as a girl.

After all, Sakura's parents would never suspect Sakura's newest best _girl_friend to really be her unwanted _boy_friend, now would they?

Well. Apparently. Neither would Sasuke.

So there he stood, glaring for all he was worth on Sasuke's doorstep as his classmate stared at him in complete surprise. Seeing the look of sheer astonishment on the other's face at his attire, Naruto was suddenly feeling apprehensive about his decision to confront Sasuke head-on.

Because it hadn't actually occurred to him until just that moment, that maybe, just maybe, Sasuke _hadn't_ caught onto the real truth.

Suddenly dressing in his manliest (messiest) jeans and favorite shirt didn't seem like such a good idea.

Maybe, just maybe, he thought, he really should have involved Sakura. Even Naruto knew, that when a man longed for a skirt over the comfortable jeans he was wearing, that said man was in some very deep shit.

And by the grin that suddenly broke out onto Sasuke's face, he just knew, with a burning feeling in his guts, that he had already died and had come face to face with the devil himself.

Who knew there really was such a thing as Hell?


End file.
